What I have found in my own personal growth is that "acting confident" is very powerful in getting one started on the path to greater self-confidence. In fact, I think the placebo effect comes in real handy in this regard.
When I was younger I was into natural bodybuilding and was a huge fan of Arnold Schwarzenegger. I got the idea of imitating people you admire from Arnold Schwarzenegger who idolized Reg Park when he was younger; as Arnold dreamed of being as powerfully built as him. He went on to surpass Reg Park in his muscular development.
When I was in my early twenties I lacked supreme self-confidence when it came to socializing, but I knew what masculine confidence looked like on the screen when I watched movies. So I simply began imitating the confident people I admired in movies. I would watch a movie and mimic the attitude, mannerisms, and body language of a certain actor.
This allowed me to “get out of my head,” which worked wonders for diminishing social anxieties. I started "acting" confident, and playing a "role" at first, believing I was the person I wanted to be, and the placebo effect took over. Soon the behaviors I imitated began to change my psyche and behavior patterns and all my self-doubt slowly dissipated and I grew closer to my authentic self beyond all the negative baggage I had stored about my self in my memory bank.
The Confidence Cycle:
Overtime I didn’t need the "role" anymore, as I grew into my authentic self which is naturally free and confident without all the destructive negative scripts in my head and stored negative memories. However, it was useul at the time as a kind of "training wheels" toward developing my own inner confidence I earned through experience and positive self-talk.
After acting confident, having fun with others, and spreading positive emotions I started to receive positive feedback and felt more interconnected and whole. This in turn increased my confidence and well-being (or my self-esteem). I also started to enjoy socializing more which made me want to go out and socialize even more often; thus creating a positive self-reinforcing feedback loop. Soon I became the confident person I was emulating. It was a simple behavioral feedback loop, which I've illustrated below:
Now, this way of increasing confidence and a positive self-image can be applied to anything, not just your social world. For example, the more job interviews you go on and act confident and get positive feedback, the more your self-esteem will increase.
Grow to Like Yourself:
The NT is clear that one is to love their neighbor, as oneself. This implies one has a healthy liking of oneself.
I think one of the most important things in building one's self-esteem is the healthy liking of oneself. I like the way Helen Fisher puts it:
“… get to know and like yourself. [Scientific experiments show that] when you think you are attractive, you behave with an air of self-confidence that attracts others … self-assured people are also more friendly, open, and flirtatious. So be self-assured; walk and act with poise … create a phrase you can repeat to yourself in the shower, in the car or anywhere else, something like ‘I love being myself because I am [fill in the blank].’ Find something you honestly like about yourself and repeat it” (Why Him, Why Her by Helen Fisher, pg. 206-207).
I believe that liking yourself is the core element for healthy self-esteem. We can't grow to fully like and appreciate others if we do not like ourselves and are doing what REBT calls constant self-downing, that is "putting ourselves down."
Liking yourself is the key to self-acceptance which leads to self-assurance and mental health. When you accept yourself no matter what, even if you lack a certain accomplishment or make a mistake, you are on your way to healthy self-esteem. I just choose to like myself and "give myself a break" when I make mistakes; instead of putting myself down all the time I try to build myself up. I accept that I am a fallible human being, that I make mistakes, and I just move forward trying to do my best while accepting myself and loving myself from the inside out, so that I can better love and accept others in return.
Getting Your Needs Met:
One can write down which needs are not being met in the areas of health, resources, and relationships. Then they can make an effort to fulfill those needs by making a plan and taking action.
Dobransky has laid out his MindOS program in his affordable paperback books: The Power of Female Friendship and The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love. These books are written primarily for a female audience. He has e-books that are written for men, but while both paperback books are written from the female perspective, Dobransky says men can benefit from reading them as well.
Suggested Reading:
For more information on self-esteem check out, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. I have only skimmed this book, but from what I've read it appears to be a good book on the subject. It’s been recommended to me that one start with the abridged audio version, then read the actual book to best internalize the ideas.
Also see the book, From Eternity to Here. In this book, Frank Viola helps one see that the aim of God in the New Testament is to essentially clone his Logos, to generate a family of God-infused human beings. Viola argues that God himself dwells in you. This kind of spirituality can inspire one to feel confident that they are living the powerful Godhead within them.
